I’m just changing a lot right now and I need you to be around to experience those things with me. I’m just terrified of at the end of this summer being such a different person, and us just being able to connect like we have. I wish you were here because there’s so many things that I’d like to open you up to. I want to be able to trip with you and roll. I want to be able to sleep with you and cuddle. I want to be able to talk to you about reality and existence. 

Instead though, you’re not here. And it’s not your fault, just I feel like I need a moment where we can both be vulnerable and we can just talk. I want you to sit next to me and I want to be able to tell you about feelings and experiences and everything. I want that so badly. I can’t even explain. I feel like if we could just connect and if you were here for the summer and you had the chance to slowly open up to new possibilities our relationship would grow so much. But you being so far away I feel really separate from you. It just sucks because I want so much from this, and without you being here I don’t really know what to do.

I don’t know how I’m going to do two more months of this whole not seeing you and being so far away.

Finally skyping. We need feelings and communication again.

I’m going to make the effort to skype with you during the day tomorrow because I really miss you and feel disconnected and i need to feel close again.

I just need to write a comprehensive post about everything that’s been going on with my life. For the entire weekend I’ve mostly just hung out with Devon and Kyle. Saturday night Devon and I spent the entire night together and worked on our project and just hung out. Then, Sunday we spent the entire day at Wakulla Springs and the sink holes with my roommates and his friend Kyle. Then that night I did substances by myself and talked to Devon about it and stuff. Then today they called me and wanted to come over to chill, work some more, and stuff. So we did, and then we got Gordo’s and this last part about tonight was super intense. Devon and I just sat there after Kyle left, and he chose not to go with Kyle. We sat and talked about everything. We talked about tripping and the nature of the universe and the world and really intellectual things. We talked about people and our lives and feelings. Then we painted together. And then we talked some more and tried communicating telepathically. He told me he was going to draw one basic shape and that he was going to send it to me. So I honed into his feelings and I wound up drawing a triangle inside a circle, as well as a rectangle in the bottom right. He wound up drawing a triangle inside of a circle (even though he told me that he was just going to draw one shape), and he was focusing on the rectangular shape of the book for a while. Then we did the same thing with feelings and colors. We smoked a bowl and passed feelings to one another, and it worked. It was just nice. Then just a little bit ago (mind you it’s 6:05 am), I drove Devon home and it was just really nice. It was connection. In between this we did small dmt hits and it just added organic happiness and enhanced the mood. Plus being stoned and the valium earlier. It was just really nice. I just feel really good about the whole thing. I really like Devon as a person. I only see us being friends ever, but he feels like a kindred spirit. We’re planning on hanging out more and tripping this week, but it’s just nice to have such intense experiences with someone I feel like I relate to so strongly and feel so connected with. Really nice actually.

valium and getting stoned.

i feel like this entire summer i’ve been wasted.

I just really wish we could’ve skyped last night.

Like, I don’t understand why you had to go to the hospital with your family, actually I’m not sure why your entire family went because your little cousin just had a stomach bug but I guess it’s just a hispanic thing so whatever.

When I was laying there in my bed last night, I was thinking and I just wanted to be with you. Like I realized in that moment how happy I was. damn.

also maybe it’s not so much about needing to be suspicious but rather that no matter how great life is, you have to take some time to slow down and be by yourself.

This whole weekend has been absurd and wonderful. I’m really content, man. Super content.

I’m excited to see what the rest of this summer has to bring.

I’ve also gotten much more comfortable with being alone lately. It’s definitely a good thing. I just feel good overall, I dunno. Everything just feels at peace. Though I always get suspicious when things get this good, I’m just trying to accept it for once. Like I feel like something horrible is going to happen or something, but I know that’s not rational. I’m allowed to be happy. Sometimes I need to remember that.

this is a sign that i just need to breakthrough and do it.

even though i’m alone i’m super comfortable. i’ll probably meditate for a bit, and then dose.

i’m excited. especially now that devon taught me how to.